I feel half gay.
Not sexually that is… I’m not bisexual or sexually confused. I’m clearly hot for men. I just feel culturally half gay. Like somehow I’ve inherited or learned only a part of the culture, but not actually enough to pass a thorough inspection. If I was to try to board a plane to return to Gay Land, customs would have a field day before letting me pass through.
Of course, I don’t really feel half straight either. It’s more like 50% gay and 50% prude. Is it strange that I think gay people aren’t generally prudish? Cause it’s the prude in me that feels a bit alien. Like it doesn’t know how to communicate with the homo half, so it just sits back and finds things to repress. Like my freedom from responsibility. Or my freedom from cultural assumptions, such as the assumption that sex is connected to relationship.
So maybe when it comes down to it, I’m just a bit sexist. Which is probably something I learned from the gay community.
I’m looking back a bit on my process for this piece, and I’m realizing that I’ve made a mistake.
It’s frustrating to have made a decision early in the process, and to now realize it was a choice made out of fear. It means moving the work in a direction that I don’t think I want it to go, but at this point the alternative direction would be disastrous… and frankly probably wouldn’t get me where I could have gone anyhow.
But I guess this is a reminder that life is just that way. There are plenty of great choices to be made, and there are plenty of times choice is born out of fear – fear of just making a choice, fear of choosing something that seems difficult or taboo, fear of making a choice that will give you exactly what you want.